Why Are You So Insecure?

Inspired by Jason Porters Writing. An interpretation of his first chapter of "Why Are You So Sad?". 

I was at work when the thought came to me: When did insecurities take over our bodies like a germ infested plague, eating away at everyone that I touch? A very subtle uncertainty, one that is unrecognisable in the beginning, but grows like a benign lump on the backs of all those I’ve dated. The thought hit me. Much like the words my wife spoke during our phone call last night, ringing in my ear like the aftermath of a bomb.

I was sitting in my chair. My left leg crossed over my right, leaning on the bench of the buttons and phones that is my career. I was looking at the same lights that had been blinking at me for the past twenty years, trying to time each and every one of them into a synchronised Morse code. To find a story and to hopefully put me into a meditation. As if my thoughts weren’t distracting enough, one of the phones starts ringing. A repetitive R2-D2, annoying every nerve that is left in my body. But I pressed on. Still committed to easing my mind, I was dedicated to find the relief of the darkness between each flashing button turning on and off. It was nearly an impossible task.

In time I looked away from the lights, leaning back on my chair and staring at the veiny ceiling. I could still feel the flashes in the corner of my eyes, striking my eyes like lightning illuminating a dark bedroom. I understood myself, but my wife I was still just learning about and at the very least, I knew she was insecure. I wondered if her insecurities had always been there. Did I just ignore them because I was so desperate for love, or to not be alone?

I reconfigured. Pulled my legs off the bench, rolled my chair in and lifted the seat up higher. Determined to focus on my job. Determined to lose the thoughts in my head. I started dialling the landline will intentions to call back the person who I purposely ignored, but found my wife answering the phone. Her fading American accent sounding confused as she said hello, we were both angry before so why would I call? We had a quick conversation that ended abruptly as my daughters incoming call drowned out our small talk.

I answered as happy as possible, but Nel was eventually brought up.

“Is it just me or have all the women that I have ever been with been insecure?”.

She paused for a second, letting my question absorb in her mind as she prodded for an answer. She replied hesitantly, “Just Nel, but she has had a shitty past.”

I knew it was the truth, but this was the women I was married to. The women that I thought I knew everything about, even if we had only known each other a short 3 months before we were engaged. Problematic.

The conversation fizzled out and once again I was left to my own devices. This was also problematic. I regained my previous position, moved my chair back, relaxed my feet on the bench and watched the busy lights for the remainder of my shift.